“A sad soul can kill you quicker, far quicker, than a germ” – from Travels With Charley by John Steinbeck, 1961
I wonder what Steinbeck would think today about all the sad souls hidden away in their homes, locked away from others in nursing homes, out of work because their job just wasn’t deemed as important as Hollywood. Sad souls living in fear.
If I say, ‘I will forget my complaint, I will put off my sad face and wear a smile,’ – Job 9:27
“The God who made the galaxies knows the hairs on your head, the fears of your heart, the events of your life, and the details of your future.” – John W. Tweeddale, Tabletalk Magazine
I’ve been thinking about the fears of my heart. Sometimes I think I don’t have any, but I’m just fooling myself. I feel like I’ve had the worse happen last year and so what do I have to be afraid of? Fear and anxiety aren’t exactly the same. An article in Psychology says “Fear makes people run for cover. We become self-focused and on high alert…The ambiguous nature of anxiety makes it difficult to overcome. If we don’t know the source of our anxiety, it is difficult to deal with the problem. It is possible to be anxious about things that will almost certainly never affect us.”
Anxiety seems to stem from our thoughts. My anxieties now revolve around decisions to be made concerning moving. I don’t really feel fearful, but I get anxious thinking about all it entails. Thinking about how houses disappear before I can even get a look at them in person. Thinking about making the BEST decision. Thinking about all the changes this move will bring. See? My thoughts are often such a mess. I KNOW in my head and heart about God’s providence, but I still stray into the “what Ifs”.
I found a very comforting statement by Samuel Rutherford. He said, “When I am in the cellar of affliction, I look for the Lord’s choicest wines.” I still feel I’m in the cellar some days. So, I’ll do my best to look for those choicest wines. And the choicest house I can find.
The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid? – Psalm 27:1
You can read My Heart (part one) HERE.
I wrote the post titled “Life and Death” on June 15, 2018. I never dreamed, could never have imagined that two years later I would lose yet another person I love so dearly.
https://angie5804.wordpress.com/2018/06/15/4326/
This quote from that post is so true –
“We fear it (death), yet most of us fear more than anything that it may take someone other than ourselves. For the greatest fear of death is always that it will pass us by. And leave us there alone.” – from A Man Called Ove by Fredrik Backman
Chuck didn’t fear death. He knew where his hope was. I knew that, too. I know that. But, the sadness is still here. Sadness that his face will no longer light up when his children or grandchildren enter the room. Sadness that we talked, dreamed, and finally planned for his retirement and our return home to Jacksonville. That return was overlaid with sorrow. For him, that return lasted one month. Now he is truly home, and I’m left here to carry on.
Hebrews 4:16 – Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
“Waking in the Night” – dreams.co.uk
So I woke up this morning about 4:30 with words and an idea in my head. I knew if I didn’t get up they would disappear. I wrote down a few verses and went back to bed, but not to sleep. I had a lot to get done today. I eventually got back up, put on some coffee, did a few chores, then started prepping the hallway for painting. I got it painted and it looks much better!
So, finally, I got back to add to/revise my poem that I’d started at 4:30.
Quarantined Dream
In this quarantined dream
I long for the other side of the pillow
cool against my cheek
but I can’t flip it over
not just yet
In this quarantined dream
I’ve been walking so long
I want to unlace my boots
and peel off my socks
but I walk on
without the spring in my step
In this quarantined dream
my lips are dry and cracked
I search for the balm
peppermint and soothing
that gives relief
but I search in vain
In this quarantined dream
I layer on the covers
but I can’t get warm
shivering with unanswered questions
I throw on another blanket
and wait
In this quarantined dream
full of speculations
I wonder about the Vitamin C
while grasping for sunshine
and fresh air
but they slip away
In this quarantined dream
I try to hide
from the numbers chasing me
the warnings and the symptoms aren’t far behind
but where is the truth?
In this quarantined dream
I think I hear a knock on the door
but I know, even if it’s real,
I can’t answer it
not just yet
Can a Christian be depressed? Or afraid?
Yes, of course. One example in Pilgrim’s Progress is in the character of Mr. Fearing. Mr. Great-Heart explains it this way when asked why:
“There are reasons for it; one is the wise God will have it so, some must pipe and some must weep. Now, Mr. Fearing was one that played upon this bass.” (The bass is the lowest pitch or range)
He goes on, “The first string that the musician usually touches is the bass, when he intends to put it all in tune. God also plays upon this string first, when He sets the soul in tune for Himself. Only here was the imperfection of Mr. Fearing. He could play upon no other music but this, until towards his latter end.” Mr. Fearing could not overcome this until he was at the end of his life. Obviously, it hindered him.
The discussion goes on for a few pages. Then James, one of the young sons of Christiana, pipes up and says, “No fears, no Grace.” He was ahead of his time with that slogan!
Mr. Great-Heart responds, “Well said, James, thou hast hit the mark; for the fear of God is the beginning of wisdom.”
John Gill’s commentary explains the “fear of God” like this:
…by the “fear of God”, is not meant a fear of God’s wrath, of hell and damnation; nor a fearful distrust of his presence, power, providence, and grace; much less an hypocritical fear; but a reverential affection for God, and which is peculiar to the children of God, which springs from a sense of divine goodness, is attended with holiness of heart and life, is consistent with faith, even full assurance of it, and with spiritual joy in its highest degree…
Am I afraid? Sometimes. Depressed? Sometimes. Have I experienced God’s grace? Joyfully, yes.
I want to make bumper stickers now that read “no fears, no grace”. Maybe there is a Kickstarter campaign in my future?
photo credit annkkml
Not In This Soup Alone 